I first heard the news on Thursday, while high on a cocktail of hot chocolate, espresso and drugs due to a particularly violent strain of man-flu.
I was morally outraged, maybe I should start some sort of petition on change.org. I should definitely get the anger out somehow, possibly a strongly worded letter to someone in charge of stuff. The news that Tom Cruise was set to play Connor MacLeod in a remake of the original Highlander came like a bolt from the blue. These things always do, on Thursday afternoons when you least expect them, when you think you might have made it through the working week pretty much unscathed, you can see the light at the end of the tunnel and you’re officially celebrating Friday Eve.
I was angry, maybe because I love the original so much, with its thunderous soundtrack, epic cinematography and general darkness or maybe because I love it for its questionable accents, plot holes and now archaic special effects.
The only actual Scottish accent in the film belongs to Sean Connery, and he’s playing an Egyptian, who for some reason has a Spanish name – yes, I know James Cosmo’s is real but he’s technically part of the set owing to an ancient bylaw that means he must appear in every film shot in the country* I would say that he’s a home grown Kevin Bacon, but think it might actually be the other way round – The special effects look like they’ve been drawn on in places – maybe they have, I know nothing about special effects to be honest – and why doesn’t the Kurgan just execute everyone who tries to push him away from a young MacLeod in the first battle scene?
I was angry too because Cruise is in everything, why couldn’t he keep his filthy paws of this bit of my childhood? Why was he forcing this remake for his own greedy ends?
Then I actually read the article. Turns out, as some will be screaming at me already, that he’s got nothing to do with the big childhood sellout, that he’s actually been asked to play Connery’s character and that I’m an uninformed reactionary.
I can kind of see the point in the casting. I mean, from a method point of view, Cruise has earned it merely my being around forever.
If they must do a remake then I suppose it’s not all bad. The Scottish film and tourist industry will benefit which is always a bonus.
I just hope they remember that Ryan Reynolds or Kevin McKidd – who are rumoured to be in the frame for the lead part – remember to throw in the odd questionable Scottish vowel as a tribute to Christopher Lambert’s original performance, that they throw in a healthy dose of Cosmo, and that they don’t try to do any product placement by shoehorning in a Porsche Boxster in place of the original Speedster or get One Direction to do the soundtrack.
* A by no means comprehensive list of Scottish productions the legendary Cosmo appears in:
Highlander
Braveheart
Trainspotting
The Adventures of Greyfriars Bobby
Taggart
Rebus
Roughnecks
Case Histories
And other cool stuff:
Troy
Sons of Anarchy
Game of Thrones
Robert M G Parker 